Selections from the works of Amelia Peabody Emerson
Edited by Elizabeth Peters

On Marriage

"Some concessions to a temperament are necessary if the marital state is to flourish."

"Marriage should be a balanced stalemate between equal adversaries."

"The combination of physical strength and moral sincerity combined with tenderness of heart is exactly what is wanted in a husband."

"Abstinence, as I have often observed, has a deleterious effect on the disposition."

"Husbands do not care to be contradicted. Indeed, I do not know anyone who does."

"There is nothing like continued proximity to strip away the veils of romance."

"Love has a corrosive effect on the brain and the organs of moral responsibility."

"Five years of marriage have taught me that even if one is unamused by the (presumed) wit of one's spouse, one does not say so."

On Religion

"Superstition has its practical uses."

"I am sure even the early Christians raised no objection if Caesar postponed feeding them to the lions until the next circus."

"Cursed religion!"

"Godly persons are more vulnerable than most to the machinations of the ungodly."

"I would not be at all surprised to find that it was for gold that Cain committed the first murder. (It happened a very long time ago, and Holy Writ, though no doubt divinely inspired, is a trifle careless about details. God is not a historian.)"

On Archaeology

"I always say there is nothing more comfortable or commodious than a tomb."

"I have never been particularly fond of mummies."

"I will tell you a little secret about archaeologists, dear Reader. They all pretend to be very high-minded. They claim that their sole aim in excavation is to uncover the mysteries of the past and add to the store of human knowledge. They lie. What they really want is a spectacular discovery, so they can get their names in the newspapers and inspire envy and hatred in the hearts of their rivals."

On Men

"Men always have some high-sounding excuse for indulging themselves."

"Men may be violently attracted by characteristics that are not immediately apparent."

"A man asking for help ought to at least give directions."

"The difficulty was that he was a man."

"Men are never of any use in an emergency."

"Most men are reasonably useful in a crisis. The difficulty lies in convincing them that the situation has reached a critical point."

"It is impossible for any rational mind to follow the peculiar mental convolutions that pass for logic among the male sex . . ."

"Men are by instinct untidy animals."

"That is so typical of men: they are always asking for something and then deciding they don't want it after all."

"Emerson likes to think he is the master of his fate and the lord of all he surveys. It is a delusion common to the male sex and accounts for the sputtering fury with which they respond to the slightest interference with their plans, no matter how impractical those plans may be."

"Like all men, Emerson grows very impatient over the necessary deliberations of shopping. If it were left to him, he would simply point to the first object of its kind he saw and order a dozen."

On Women

"A woman's instinct, I always feel, supersedes logic."

"No woman really wants a man to carry her off; she only wants him to want to do it."

"I do not scruple to employ mendacity and a fictitious appearance of female incompetence when the occasion demands it."

"I knew how Eve must have felt when she looked back at the flowers and lush foliage of Eden, from which she was forever barred. (Another example of masculine duplicity, I might add. Adam was under no compulsion to eat of the fruit: and his attempt to put the blame on his trusting wife was, to say the least, unmanly.)"

"It is difficult to be angry with a gentleman who pays you compliments . . . especially impertinent compliments."

On Crime and Murder

"The trouble with unknown enemies is that they are so difficult to identify."

"A lady cannot be blamed if a master criminal takes a fancy to her."

"Candor is not a conspicuous characteristic of criminals."

"I have known several villains who were perfect gentlemen."

"Most people obey the orders of an individual who is pointing a gun at them."

"High-minded individuals are more dangerous than criminals. they can always find hypocritical excuses for committing acts of violence."

"These hired thugs are never reliable."

"Abdullah clapped his hand to his brow. 'Not a dead man, sitt. Not another dead man . . .' A flicker of reviving hope returned to his stricken face. 'Is it a mummy you mean, sitt? An old dead man?'"

"I'm afraid this one is rather fresh . . ."

On Personal Virtues

"I hope I number patience among my virtues, but shilly-shallying, when nothing is to be gained by the delay, is not a virtue."

"Thought I deplore in the strongest possible terms the slightest deviation from straightforward behavior, there are occasions upon which moral good must yield to expediency."

"Boasting is a habit in which I never indulge."

"Though I had slept only a few hours, I felt quite fresh and full of ambition. Righteous indignation has that effect on my character."

On Human Nature

"One may be determined to embrace martyrdom gracefully, but a day of reprieve is not to be sneezed at."

"When one is striding bravely into the future one cannot watch one's footing."

"All is fair in love, war and journalism."

"If someone lies down and invites you to trample on him, you are a remarkable individual if you decline the invitation."

"There is a layer of primitive savagery in most of us."

"A fondness for martyrdom, especially of the verbal variety, is common to the young."

"There are occasions upon which a candid expression of opinion may not only be rude, but counterproductive."

"One must recognize the limitations of the military mind, as I later pointed out to Emerson. After a certain age -- somewhere in the early twenties, I believe -- it is virtually impossible to insert any new idea whatever into it."

"Most small boys are barbarians. It is a wonder any of them live to grow up."